{"id":233,"date":"2014-03-10T00:37:32","date_gmt":"2014-03-10T00:37:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/the-humans\/?page_id=10"},"modified":"2021-09-27T13:25:32","modified_gmt":"2021-09-27T13:25:32","slug":"the-humans","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-humans\/","title":{"rendered":"The Humans: A Report by Patrick Carpen – Introduction"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

First Published: 10th of November, 2014 by Patrick Carpen<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Last updated: September 27, 2021 at 13:25 pm<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Intergalactic Peace Keeping Force (IPKF) sends Patrick Carpen<\/a> down to earth to observe and report back human activities. Patrick Carpen is from the planet SILF and he pretends to be a human in order to most effectively observe their behaviors, thoughts, plans, dispositions, and traits, and report them to the IPKF. He finds that the humans are surprisingly stupid and are at a serious risk of extinction or self-annihilation.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

If you read the slogan on my website, you will notice that it says, “The Greatest Writer on Earth<\/em>.” It never said, “the greatest writer in the world<\/a>, or universe.” That is because I may not be the greatest writer in the universe. The universe is a big place; and I mean, a really, really, really, big place. In fact, it has no end. It is endless. Can you fathom infinity? Actually, the human mind can’t. Note that I said the human mind can’t.<\/em> Not, my mind can’t. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Am I not human?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I never said I’m not human; and then again, I never said that I am. Maybe I am, but a more evolved species. In fact, the planet where I came from is billions of years older than the planet earth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why did I come here?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So why did I come “down to earth,” to these primitive and diverse species, referred to by the “Intergalactic Peace Keeping Force” as “Earthlings” or “the humans”? To put it in simple terminology, I was sent to do a report on the humans. The Intergalactic Peacekeeping Force (IPKF) is doing an audit on evolution of all intelligent life forms within a one-thousand light years radius of its headquarters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Does Earth Qualify?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In terms of distance, Earth is located just a few meters short of a thousand light years radius from the nucleus of the Intergalactic Peace Keeping Force’s headquarters, so it did make the list, but barely!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In terms of intelligence, we radioed in brain pattern analyzing microwaves which picked up and reported back to us the thought-patterns of the humans. The report for intelligent species would show spikes<\/em> on a one-meter straight line on the “species intelligence assessment machine.” The higher and more frequent the spikes, the greater the intelligence of the species. On a one-meter line on the species intelligence assessment machine, for example, people from our planet (Silfians) showed about fifty thousand spikes, and the spikes ranged from one to fifty meters high. For the humans, we only recorded one spike, and it is just a few millimeters high. Nevertheless, a spike is a spike, and once there is a spike, it shows that humans do qualify as intelligent beings, although not by much. In fact, such primitive words as “spike,” “height,” and “range” are not in the vocabulary of the people of my planet, but for the humans who will be reading this book, I have to use words they can understand.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

First Published: 10th of November, 2014 by Patrick Carpen. The Intergalactic Peace Keeping Force (IPKF) sends Patrick Carpen down to earth to observe and report back human activities. Patrick Carpen Continue Reading →<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":4,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-233","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"yoast_head":"\nA Report On The Humans by Patrick Carpen<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The novel "The Humans: A Report by Patrick Carpen" on patrickcarpen.com\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-humans\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A Report On The Humans by Patrick Carpen\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The novel "The Humans: A Report by Patrick Carpen" on patrickcarpen.com\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-humans\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Books Written\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-09-27T13:25:32+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/9\/2021\/09\/ufo-788746_640.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/the-humans\\\/\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/the-humans\\\/\",\"name\":\"A Report On The Humans by Patrick Carpen\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/the-humans\\\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/the-humans\\\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/sites\\\/9\\\/2021\\\/09\\\/ufo-788746_640.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2014-03-10T00:37:32+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-09-27T13:25:32+00:00\",\"description\":\"The novel \\\"The Humans: A Report by Patrick Carpen\\\" on patrickcarpen.com\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/the-humans\\\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/the-humans\\\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/the-humans\\\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/i0.wp.com\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/sites\\\/9\\\/2021\\\/09\\\/ufo-788746_640.jpg?fit=640%2C360&ssl=1\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/i0.wp.com\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/sites\\\/9\\\/2021\\\/09\\\/ufo-788746_640.jpg?fit=640%2C360&ssl=1\",\"width\":640,\"height\":360},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/the-humans\\\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\\\/\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"The Humans: A Report by Patrick Carpen – Introduction\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/\",\"name\":\"Books Written\",\"description\":\"By Patrick Carpen: The Greatest Writer On Earth\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\\\/\\\/patrickcarpen.com\\\/books-written\\\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"A Report On The Humans by Patrick Carpen","description":"The novel \"The Humans: A Report by Patrick Carpen\" on patrickcarpen.com","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-humans\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"A Report On The Humans by Patrick Carpen","og_description":"The novel \"The Humans: A Report by Patrick Carpen\" on patrickcarpen.com","og_url":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-humans\/","og_site_name":"Books Written","article_modified_time":"2021-09-27T13:25:32+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/9\/2021\/09\/ufo-788746_640.jpg","type":"","width":"","height":""}],"twitter_misc":{"Est. reading time":"3 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-humans\/","url":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-humans\/","name":"A Report On The Humans by Patrick Carpen","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-humans\/#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-humans\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/9\/2021\/09\/ufo-788746_640.jpg","datePublished":"2014-03-10T00:37:32+00:00","dateModified":"2021-09-27T13:25:32+00:00","description":"The novel \"The Humans: A Report by Patrick Carpen\" on patrickcarpen.com","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-humans\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-humans\/"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-humans\/#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/9\/2021\/09\/ufo-788746_640.jpg?fit=640%2C360&ssl=1","contentUrl":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/9\/2021\/09\/ufo-788746_640.jpg?fit=640%2C360&ssl=1","width":640,"height":360},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-humans\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"The Humans: A Report by Patrick Carpen – Introduction"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/#website","url":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/","name":"Books Written","description":"By Patrick Carpen: The Greatest Writer On Earth","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"}]}},"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/PekbAp-3L","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":501,"url":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/childrens-fiction\/","url_meta":{"origin":233,"position":0},"title":"Children’s Fiction","author":"Patrick Carpen","date":"January 30, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"Many of the children's books written by Patrick Carpen are pervaded by a tinge of educational facts. For example, the fictional work, \"Angela's Lost Turtle\" teach many facts about turtles, such as the amount of species alive today, the class of animals under which turtles fall, and the fact that\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Children's Fiction"","block_context":{"text":"Children's Fiction","link":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/blog\/category\/childrens-fiction\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":405,"url":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/learn-english-with-patrick-carpen\/","url_meta":{"origin":233,"position":1},"title":"Aprenda Ingl\u00eas com Patrick Carpen","author":"Patrick Carpen","date":"November 29, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"This page was last updated on the 15th of December, 2015 by Patrick Carpen. \"Aprenda Ingl\u00eas com Patrick Carpen\" is a publication by Patrick Carpen which aims to help Portuguese students of English to learn English in a fun, entertaining and remarkably natural manner. \"Aprenda Ingl\u00eas com Patrick Carpen\" utilizes\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"Aprenda Ingles","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/9\/2015\/11\/Aprenda-Ingles.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":186,"url":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-marketers-paradise\/","url_meta":{"origin":233,"position":2},"title":"The Marketer’s Paradise","author":"Patrick Carpen","date":"May 23, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"The information on this page was last updated on the 23rd of May 2015 by Patrick Carpen. The marketer's paradise is a book by Patrick Carpen which lists a vast number of marketable items under their various categories such as foodstuff, kitchen items, fashion items, clothing, footwear, office products, construction\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":511,"url":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-humans\/the-humans-are-generally-ungrateful\/","url_meta":{"origin":233,"position":3},"title":"The Humans are Generally Ungrateful","author":"Patrick Carpen","date":"October 30, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Nine five percent of the humans are always in need of some help or the other at any given time. This is because the humans have designed their lives and systems in such a way as to make things difficult. For example, the humans have divided the earth into hundreds\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "The Humans"","block_context":{"text":"The Humans","link":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/blog\/category\/the-humans\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/9\/2019\/10\/5ee3d2424f54b114a6da8c7ccf203163143ad9e757567148772e_640_human.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/9\/2019\/10\/5ee3d2424f54b114a6da8c7ccf203163143ad9e757567148772e_640_human.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/9\/2019\/10\/5ee3d2424f54b114a6da8c7ccf203163143ad9e757567148772e_640_human.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":73,"url":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/the-humans\/the-humans-die\/","url_meta":{"origin":233,"position":4},"title":"The Humans Die","author":"Patrick Carpen","date":"June 20, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"The humans are not immortal, they die after some time. The humans die by countless different means, but most humans die through old age. The human body was programmed to live for a certain number of years - on average 70 - and then fail to function gradually, resulting in\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":380,"url":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/my-book-of-countries\/","url_meta":{"origin":233,"position":5},"title":"My Book of Countries","author":"Patrick Carpen","date":"July 23, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"This page was last updated on the 23rd of July, 2015 by Patrick Carpen. My Book of Countries is intended primarily for children and early teens\u00a0but people of all ages may find it useful. The world is getting smaller and smaller. Advanced communications systems make it\u00a0easier than ever to make\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/233","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=233"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/233\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":535,"href":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/233\/revisions\/535"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=233"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=233"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/patrickcarpen.com\/books-written\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=233"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}