The Humans: A Report by Patrick Carpen

This page was first published around the 10th of November, 2014 and last updated on the 5th of December, 2016 by Patrick Carpen.

The Intergalactic Peace Keeping Force (IPKF) sends Patrick Carpen down to earth to observe and report back human activities. Patrick Carpen is from the planet SILF and he pretends to be a human in order to most effectively observe their behaviors, thoughts, plans, dispositions and traits and report them to the IPKF. He finds that the humans are surprisingly stupid are at a serious risk of extinction or self-annihilation.

If you read the slogan on my website, you will notice that it says “The Greatest Writer on Earth“. It never said, “the greatest writer in the world, or universe”. That is because I may not be the greatest writer in the universe. The universe is a big place; and I mean, a really, really, really big place. In fact, it has no end. It is endless. Can you fathom infinity? Actually, the human mind can’t. Note that I said the human mind can’t. Not, my mind can’t. 

Am I not human?

I never said I’m not human; and then again, I never said that I am. Maybe I am, but a more evolved species. In fact, the planet where I came from is billions of years older than the planet earth.

Why did I come here?

So why did I come “down to earth”, to these primitive and diverse species, referred by the “Intergalactic Peace Keeping Force” as “Earthlings” or “the humans”? To put it in simple language, I was sent to do a report on the humans. The intergalactic peace keeping force is doing an audit on evolution of all intelligent life forms within a one-thousand light years radius of its headquarters.

Does Earth Qualify?

In terms of distance, Earth is located just a few meters short of a thousand light years radius from the nucleus of the Intergalactic Peace Keeping Force’s headquarters, so it did make the list, but barely!

In terms of intelligence, we radioed in brain pattern analyzing microwaves which picked up and reported back to us the thought-patterns of the humans. The report for intelligent species would show spikes on a one meter straight line on the “species intelligence assessment machine”. The higher and more frequent the spikes, the greater the intelligence of the species. On a one-meter line on the species intelligence assessment machines, for example, people from our planet showed about fifty thousand spikes, and the spikes ranged from one to fifty meter high. For the humans, we only recorded one spike, and it is just a few millimeters high. Nevertheless, a spike is a spike, and once there is a spike, it shows that humans do qualify as intelligent beings, although not by much. In fact, such primitive words as “spike”, “height” and “range” are not in the vocabulary of the people of my planet, but for the humans who will be reading this book, I have to use words they can understand.

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